Arctic Anarchy
by batman100
Summary: Scott and Remy's constant silliness hits the fan when the X-Gang take action to tunes from a classic film
1. Chapter 1

**Arctic Anarchy**

"Geez, it's freezing in here! Can't you at least turn up the thermostat, for goodness's sakes! My-my hands are starting to turn blue!" Rogue complained, her teeth chattering like crazy

"Rogue; you know the thermostat bills are due this week. And also, thanks to Scott and Remy's tampering with the furnace last week, we now have to use the water on cold condition." Jean advised, wearing a red turtleneck sweater

"Look at you Jean. Here you are, wearing good, old fashioned winter perfect clothing, and here **I** am, wearing a lousy stinking tank top! And the thing itches like crazy!" Rogue snapped

"I **told** you that tag in the back of your tank top had to be removed. But nooo, you just went on with your own who-knows-what business and…" Jean started before an enormous crash broke out in the loft

"Oops." Scott's voice winced in the loft

"What did you goofs do to my Christmas poinsettas?!" Kitty growled, chasing a giggling Scott and Remy with a shovel

"Hey c'mon, we didn't do it on purpose! It-it grew wings and-and flew off!" Scott babbled

"You expect me to believe that cockamamie excuse, Summers?! Try making a better one for instance!" Kitty yelled, gnashing her teeth

"Oh what did those two do this time, I wonder?" Rogue asked nonchalantly as Kitty's loud screams and Scott's maniacal laughter echoed throughout the hallway

"Apparently the two Doofus Brothers got hold of Logan's ten-ton weight ball and well…let's just say that during a so-called game of soccer, they conveniently knocked down the poinsettas with the damn thing!" Jean answered, rubbing her forehead

"It's time these two get some order! At daybreak we march!" Rogue ordered, with a fiery look in her eyes

"Now you're talking!" Jean grinned before launching into song "_What can we expect, from wild practical jokers? Their crazy games and pranks are like a curse._"

"You said it." Rogue grunted

"_Their games are heckish red! They're only good when lead! They're crazy and I say it's worse!_" Jean belted

"_They're…Lunatics! Lunatics!"_ The X-Gang chanted

"_Barely even sane_!" Jean sang dramatically

"_Lunatics! Lunatics!_" the X-Gang chorused

"_Keep them in order! They're not like you and me; which means they must be insane; we must rang the gong of law!_" Jean boasted, cracking her whip on emphasis

"_They're lunatics! Lunatics!_" Bobby and Peter chanted

"_Rabid raving devils! We must sound the gong of law_!" the X-Gang boasted

"Yes! Insanity will be upheld! No matter how long, no matter how…" Jean ranted before Peter smacked her with his shovel, reverting her to normal again…probably permanently

"Ugh…what happened? I had this crazy dream we were attacking Scott and Remy with Indian weapons…Oh, I guess it did happen." Jean uttered, rubbing her head

"Why not try dancing to a new tune?" Scott grinned before launching into song again "_In 1964, we made comics history! For glory, God, and gold and the American dream!_"

"Oh you've gotta be kidding…" Logan moaned

"_For the golden age was like heaven, and mutants were made free! For glory, God, and gold, and the American dream!_" Scott chorused

"Yeah, not bad…" Jean grinned before joining in "_We'd cut off one limb…"_

"_And let two more take its place!_" Kurt chimed

"_We'd soar, toll and toil for the American dream!_" Peter, Warren and Bobby chorused

"What do you think the Golden Age would be like? Even if Xavier's dream did come true?" Jean asked in wonder

"Who knows? The future is bright." Scott answered brightly

"_It's glory, God, and gold, and the American dream!_" The X-Gang chimed in chorus

**I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the songs "Savages" and "The Virginia Company"**


	2. Chapter 2

**Cntrl-Alt-HYDRA**

"Remember that new InterNet DX thing we got from Stark Tower last week?" Kitty asked Jean as she was snoozing on the couch

"Mmmm…five more minutes…" Jean groaned before rolling over and snoring

Kitty rolled her eyes and leaned forward "I **said**, remember…"

"What I **do** remember was the nice dream I was having of me and Scott on a cruise through the Bahamas. Now, if you'd let me sleep, maybe I'll let you on board!" Jean hissed before laying down again

"Ok ok sheesh. Get your beauty sleep." Kitty gasped, walking out while Jean snoozed before seeing Kurt

"Hey Kurt, you seen Scott anywhere?" Kitty asked as Kurt had a sheepish look over that question

"Um…ug, eh, ebber-ding" Kurt stammered hysterically

"What?! Kurt, speak **English** for goodness sakes!" Kitty snapped, incredibly confused by Kurt's reaction

"Scott! Internet! Database! Net-hacking! SHIELD! Viral! Cyberspace! Oh! Money!" Tabitha rushed in, blubbering hysterically

"Will somebody tell me what the **hell** is going on here?!" Jean snapped, annoyed by the one too many interruptions

"Scott! Internet! Database! Net-hacking! SHIELD! Viral! Cyberspace! Oh! Money!" Tabitha rambled again

Jean just looked at Tabitha strangely then groaned and muttered…" Ok, will someone **calmly** tell me what is going on? And more to the point, where's Scott? And what's that loud beeping?" Jean hissed, covering her ears

"Uh-oh." Kurt winced, trying to slip away before Jean snagged him with his tail

"Kurt, what did you do?" Jean asked, with a fiery look

"Uh…remember that new virtual reality program Scott downloaded last Tuesday?" Kurt asked with a sheepish smile

"Yeah? Why?" Jean answered

"Well…" Kurt started before Tabitha shouted out the answer

"He hacked into the Danger Room control panels, and downloaded top-secret blueprints from SHIELD and parts of Avalon, and newly designed weapons and…I've said too much, eh?" Tabitha winced, as Jean gave her a shocked look

"Tabitha…Who did you leave watching him on the Internet?" Jean asked calmly, making claw marks on the mahogany table

"All right! Who's the wise guy that placed all these internet cords into the War Room computer?!" Forge barked in the sub-basement

"Hey guys! Uh…I think several SHIELD marshals are here." Bobby shouted, rushing in nervously

"What's the problem?" Kitty asked

"Well…They have arrest warrants for us and they also have a couple fighter jets surrounding the area." Bobby winced

"Wait a minute! That's not SHIELD! It's…oh **no**." Jean winced

"What now?!" Scott snapped rushing to the window

"Hy-hy-hy…" Jean babbled nervously

"Spit it out, for crying out loud!" Logan snorted

"Funny. I didn't know hyenas could pilot fighter jets." Bobby giggled with a goofy look

"Oh for…those are not hyenas, you moron! It's HYDRA!" Logan gasped exasperatedly

"Uh, don't look now, but…" Bobby winced before ducking for cover

"BLAMMMM!"

"The hell was that?!" Jean asked, getting up carefully

"…didn't know the microwave could do **that**." Evan muttered, limping in with soot marks on his face with Remy, Rogue and Lance following

"Please don't tell me HYDRA placed a bomb in the sub-basement…" Jean moaned

"Hit the deck!" Scott shouted as he and the X-Gang dove for cover

"KA-BLAMMMM!"

"Run! The Danger Room's on fire!" John screamed hysterically, as he and the New Mutants ran for cover

"We gotta shut off that Internet crap!" Jean hissed as machine gun bullets rattled through the hallways

"What?! Jean, there are fifteen Hydra soldiers out there, and I'm telling you: One false crazy move and they'll **open fire**!" Scott hissed

"Hold on, I managed to plug in a kill code on the InterNet. If I can purge the Net, it should knock out the energy on the jets, causing that and the soldiers to nicely disintegrate, no mess whatsoever." Forge noted

"Well, get that thing going. And make it fast." Scott ordered before pulling out his handgun

"What are you doing?!" Kurt gasped

"Whattaya think? With the soldiers distracted, what we got here's a golden opportunity!" Scott grinned, taking aim at a soldier's crotch

"Scott! Don't shoot!" Jean gasped, before Scott pulled the trigger

"BANG!"

"Gott en himmel!" The latter soldier cringed painfully, grasping his bullet-riddled foot

"I thought you said you were gonna shoot him in the…" Forge started before Jean clamped her hand over his mouth

"Forge! Not in front of the children!" Jean hissed before turning to Scott "That was a more appropriate target." She complimented with a wink

"Ok! The Net's offline!" Forge announced

"Now what?" Jean asked hopefully

"First off, you might wanna cover you ears. The jets exploding can be pretty…" Forge started before a tremendous explosion occurred

"BLAMM!"

"HYDRA SOLDIERS! RETREAT!" a general ordered as the soldiers fled the half war-torn mansion

"Well…the soldiers left, the jets are now a pile of burnt metal…and the Net is now offline." Scott said, triumphant of the X-Gang's survival over the bizarre events

"Actually that was pretty fun. That was like a video game, don't ya think?" Bobby remarked before the X-Gang stared at him "What?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Night of the Restless Scott**

It was a beautiful and cold Tuesday night at the X-Mansion, and everything was peaceful and quiet…

"ZAP! Woohoo! Two points!" Scott's voice rang out in the arcade hall

Well…not quite everything

"Scott! Would you shut off that racket?! Do you have **any** idea what time it is?!" Jean hollered, barging into the arcade room wearing her bathrobe and her mud mask

"Uh…Happy Hour Friday?" Scott asked, with a goofy look

"Why do I even **bother** putting up with this…" Jean moaned before facing him "Scott: Let me ask you a few trivia questions."

"Ooh boy! Do I earn money if I guess right?" Scott whooped

"No." Jean answered with a deadpan expression

"Free car with a hot chick?" Scott asked joyfully

"NO! **ANYTHING** BUT THAT!" Jean thundered, with a fiery look

"Uh…a photograph of Cindy Crawford?" Scott asked insanely as Jean banged her head against the wall

"Ok, forget the stupid trivia questions: How many fingers am I holding up?" Jean asked exasperatedly, holding up four fingers in front of Scott

"Uh…two plus two equals four?" Scott asked goofily

"WRONG!" Jean thundered as Scott rolled on the floor, laughing in hysterics

"Oh man! That was awesome! Hey, have you considered acting? That's good!" Scott giggled maniacally

"Excuse me…" Jean groaned, popping sleeping pills into her mouth

two minutes later…

"Oh man. That was so funny back there, huh Jean? Jean?" Scott asked, looking for Jean, only to see a familiar stroke of red hair on the staircase

Scott found Jean, snoozing heavily on the top of the staircase, loudly snoring, her hair dangled long, a bit of foam coming out of her mouth.

"Whoa…Guess she overdid it on them sleeping pills." Scott remarked in amazement

"Hey Scott, what's going on?" Lance asked before seeing Jean and looking at Scott, back at Jean and again at Scott

"WHAT IN THE HELL DID YOU **DO**?!" Lance gasped in horror

"Lance?! Keep it down! And no, I did **not** do anything! Jean took them sleeping pills again, then she muttered incoherently for like a couple of hours, before she collapsed on the top of the steps, oh and…you're stepping on my foot." Scott added, finishing his rant

"So let me see if I got this mumbo-jumbo straight…Jean took one a' them sleep pills, right?" Lance asked

"Mm-hmm." Scott answered

"Then she just dropped on the stairs, right?" Lance asked, putting two and two

"Yep." Scott answered calmly

"That's…the most **silliest** thing I've **ever** heard!" Lance snapped, clamping his hand over Scott's mouth

"The hell you doing, you wanna get us arrested! It'll be a disaster!" Scott rambled madly

"Would you shut up?!" Lance hissed, throttling Scott savagely

"Whatta we do? Whatta we do?" Scott babbled

"We gotta move Jean before anyone sees it." Lance whispered deranged

"What?! No way, uh-uh, we are **not** burying Jean?! She's fine, for God's sakes?!" Scott griped

"Shut up. Now help me get Jean into her room…quietly." Lance said, emphasizing on the last sentence

"This is the stupidest idea I've ever heard.." Scott muttered

"I heard that wise guy!" Lance snapped

Later…

"Lance? Did you **really** have to gag Jean so she wouldn't say anything?!" Scott whined, carrying Jean upstairs through the winding floors of the mansion with Lance holding Jean's feet

"It was the only motive so she wouldn't blab. Now quit whining and help me here. And put some muscle into it, for crying out loud!" Lance griped as Scott weakly supported Jean

"Jean's **not** gonna be happy when she finds out about this…" Scott whimpered

"Oh would you…Scott, seriously! Just grow up, for God's sakes?! Sheesh, she's your wife!" Lance snapped

"What does that have anything to do with this crazy idea?!" Scott griped

"Because, Scott: You just gotta handle yourself, toughen up; or them gals will walk all over you." Lance boasted

"Gee…that actually felt kinda motivating." Scott replied, with a goofy grin

"Good. Now shut your mouth and help me with the elevator." Lance ordered, as they entered the elevator

"Scott, you idiot! Hold the door!" Lance shouted

"What?" Scott asked incredulously

"Jean's foot's stuck in the damn door!" Lance snapped, trying to loosen it, but to no avail

"Oh great…Scott, get your lovey-dovey ass over here and help me get your wife's foot outta this thing, **now**!" Lance ordered

"Ok." Scott answered goofily

"Ugh…How did I get into this mess?" Lance groaned

"Wanna play twenty questions?" Scott asked

"AAARRRGH!" Lance screamed in annoyance

The next morning…

"WHAT THE_" Kitty gasped in confusion when she saw Lance, Scott and Jean in the elevator

"Kitty…Would you slowly tell us what transpired on the evening of Wednesday the twelfth?" Hank asked, wearing a fitting judge's robe.

"So here I was: Listening to my Adele music while I was in the hot tub. Then I heard some loud noises from the arcade, followed by some loud laughter, which probably came from Scott. Then I heard some loud shouting, which I think was from Lance…Now when I got up, I was heading toward the elevator, and…" Kitty paused on her story of the strange events that occurred last night as Logan, Peter, Bobby, Kurt, Rogue, Remy, Emma, and Hank were listening eagerly

"Go on dear, what happened next?" Hank asked gently

"Well…I saw Lance and Scott, sleeping on the elevator, slouched like a couple of hobos out of some weird cult film. But what was most bizarre was I saw **Jean** totally zonked out, thanks to those sleep pills, barefoot, her sandals in her laundry basket, I'm not even gonna ask, oh and she was snoring pretty loudly, if that was that loud grinding sound was last night." Kitty remarked, finishing her testimony

"That's **ridiculous**." Logan grouched, making a dismissive grunt

"What, do you think I saw the Abominable Snowman?!" Kitty snapped

"Ask a stupid question…" Remy moaned, rolling his eyes

"Ohhh…my head. What in the hell happened last night? And…who painted my fingernails with glitter paint?" Jean asked in confusion as the X-Gang turned to Lance and Scott

"Tell you what: Let's keep that our…*little* secret, ok?" Scott asked sheepishly


	4. Chapter 4

**Hockey Nuts**

It was the beginning of December at the X-Mansion. The lights were decorated, the tree had not been hung up, and everything in the mansion was quiet…

"CRASH!"

Well, not quite…

"Scott! How many times have I told you **not** to play hockey on the loft!" Jean hollered as Scott and Remy were doing a round of ice hockey, using Logan's puck as their hockey tool

"Oh c'mon now Jean, at least enjoy the holiday sports." Scott commented, before dodging a swipe from Remy's hockey stick

"I **knew** watching The Mighty Ducks last week was a bad idea…" Jean groaned in annoyance as Logan entered with his usual grouchy expression

"Jean…have you by any chance seen my hockey puck?" Logan asked sharply

"Uh…hockey puck? You mean your discus? Or the golf ball? Or your prize chrome bowling ball? Or that golf club we stole from Quicksliver?" Jean babbled hysterically, piling all known sports equipment onto Logan's arms

"Jean…um, have you been putting too much sugar in your coffee again?" Logan asked

"What about your football? Or the archery kit? Or the fishing net? Or your fishing spear? Or your book "Fishing for Mutants? Or…oh, that stuff isn't really hockey gear, but it is sports related." Jean laughed insanely

"Your serve, Gambit, ol buddy!" Scott hollered, passing the puck to Remy

"Ok Scott, m'boy!" Remy piped before shooting the puck, where it missed the goal-and conveniently whizzed at the bench where Rogue and Lance were talking in private

"So Rogue; I just got off the phone with SHIELD, they…" Lance started before he was struck by a familiar circular black object

"SCOTT! GAMBIT! Did you shoot that puck?! That could've nearly hit me, you wackos!" Rogue growled, waving her fist at Scott and Remy

"Uh-oh." Remy whimpered as Rogue ran toward them

"Rogue, catch!" Scott joked, hurling a weighted ball at Rogue, who had her arms open

"Catch what you crazy…Oof!" Rogue grunted as she was pinned to the ground by the ball. "Then again, the snow feels nice."

"Auntie Em? Where's Uncle Henry and Tonto?" Lance babbled

"That's Toto, you moron!" Rogue corrected

"Oh yeah…" Lance said with a goofy grin before collapsing on the snowy ground

"Jean…this really isn't necessary. Just where…is my hockey puck?" Logan wheezed, trying to hold the large pile of sports gear

"Now let me see; all hockey pucks are meant to be formed in a circular diameter, hence the circumference of shapes, made by Leonardo da Vinci, all circles are made equal…" Jean babbled, lost in thought of shapes

"Leonardo da Vinci did **not** say all shapes are equal! That's the Thirteenth Amendment, for God's sakes! Sheesh, weren't you listening during our lecture on Abraham Lincoln?" Logan hissed

"Abraham Simpson is the thirteenth president?" Jean asked incredulously

"Oh boy." Logan grumbled, rolling his eyes in boredom.

"A-ha! Open wide!" Scott shouted, swinging his hockey stick aiming the puck for the window

"Open what now?" Logan asked before a familiar black object whizzed through the window and conked Logan on the head

"The heck?! Boys! What did I tell you about sling shots?!" Jean hissed


End file.
